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If You See Kay

It was reported to me that the word fuck comes from a time when Britian was having a population shortage and one king or another wanted to increase the population of the kingdom. Fornicate Under the Command of the King, he commanded. F.U.C.K.

This, however, is wrong.

I ve also heard that fuck is an acronym for Forced Unlawful Carnal Knowledge. A term that was emblazoned onto rapists as punishment.

This also is untrue.

Fuck may have come from the German words ficken or fucken which mean to punch or penetrate. It may even be word twisted from the Latin futuere which was slang for intercourse. But I think fuck comes from the Scandanavian word fokken which means to breed cattle.

Googling the word fuck produced 22.6 million hits. I didn t check all of them.

I forgot to check Wikipedia when looking up the origins of the word fuck. I hope they agree with me, because the Wikipedia is now the source for all knowledge in the known universe.

While doing research for that little bit I learned that 61% of men in one study or another had sex with a woman they didn t like. My guess is that most of them were having sex with their wives.

Sperm 1: How much farther to the fallopian tubes?
Sperm 2: A long ways. We ve only just passed the tonsils.

According to kamasutra-sex.org :

The ancient Hindus believed that life had three purposes: religious piety (dharma), material success (artha), and sexual pleasure (kama). All three were equal, and the erotic was celebrated as the seat of earthly beauty. In the Hindu world the pursuit of sexual pleasure was revered as a sort of religious quest.

For the sake of The Holy, I m considering changing religions. Or perhaps I already have and hadn t noticed.

According to The Kinsey Institute there is a continuum of homosexuality (source: Indiana.edu ):

0. Exclusively heterosexual with no homosexual
1. Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual
2. Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual
3. Equally heterosexual and homosexual
4. Predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual
5. Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual
6. Exclusively homosexual

I ve often wondered about this. I mean, if you re a guy and you think Brad Pitt is particularly cute, that s a little gay.

Threesomes are all the rage now, right? I think those guy-guy-girl ones are a little gay too.

And what if you pick up a woman in a bar and are getting orally pleasured by her in the parking lot and you give her the obligatory reach-around and you find a package? You just got oral from a guy. That s gay. (Maybe that s what the people at the Kinsey Institute describe as incidentally gay, I dunno.)

In the United States the word fanny means buttocks and might be used as a euphamism for said buttocks when talking with children. But in the United Kingdom it s a vulgar word for vagina.

In the previous sentance I almost wrote the term female vagina. As if there s a guy out there who has one. I know that some men are pussies but I can t imagine a scenario where one is an integral part of his physical being.

The term mother-fucker has Oedipal overtones but is not based on one having intercourse with one s mother. Instead it is derived from American slave owners raping a slave s mother.

Hamlet: Lady, shall I lie in your lap?

Ophelia:
No, my lord.

Hamlet:
I mean, my head upon your lap?

Ophelia:
Ay, my lord.

Hamlet:
Do you think I meant count ry matters?

Ophelia:
I think nothing, my lord.

Hamlet:
That s a fair thought to lie between maids legs.

That s Shakespeare using the c-word. Certainly it is. He s playing with us. He s playing with words. It s funny. I think.

I ve heard some starting to use the phrase cunty to describe a person who is slightly south of bitchy.

Finally I leave you with a joke (I started with one in the title, I m not sure if you got it). Good luck trying to figure it out:

I ve invested in coffee.

That s funny. I don t see you in coffee; I see you in tea.

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