Gizoogle That Mo Fo
JimFormizzle , my niggas.
I promise more entries. Promise.
30 March, 2006 posted in Jim Shorts | Comments (3)
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No One Chose Me
If I thought that I was a member of God s Chosen Ones as enunciated in the Old Testament (or the Torah, whatever), I d wonder what the hell was going on. I mean, in the old days when God s Chosen Ones were so much as teased the Big Guy would go a little nuts and provide immediate revenge.
Check this out from 2 Kings verses 2:23-2:24 :
(Elisha) was walking along the road, some youths came out of the town and jeered at him. Go on up, you baldhead! they said. Go on up, you baldhead! He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the LORD. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.
Two bears killed forty-two kids because they teased one of God s Chosen Ones!
Now you can t even call down a simple pox on the families of Palestinians who blow themselves up in front of an Israeli internet café. I wonder what s going on.
Footnote:
For what it s worth, Elisha is also considered a prophet of Islam and goes by the name Al-Yasa in the Qur an. This further complicates my Palestinian dilemma above.
Regardless, something wacky is going on.
21 March, 2006 posted in Miscellany | Comments (0)
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CYA First Aide
My 14-year old daughter is the first among her friends to get a job. She ll be working at a local aquarium that has sharks and penguins and alligators and seals and lots and lots o other attractions. It s really rather nice. She ll start by giving tours and graduate to cleaning penguin poop at least that s her hope.
As this is her first job ever , I thought it was my obligation to familiarize myself with the Employee Manual. It was all routine stuff until I hit the section on what one should do if another employee or customer gets hurt.
I figured that there should be some sort of training on immediate triage and basic first aide can be rendered. I figured wrong.
I looked up from the manual and quizzed my daughter, What do you do if someone gets hurt while you are working?
Immediately tell my supervisor, she answered quickly.
Why?
She puffed out her chest. She knows this answer:
So that the appropriate paperwork can be filled out.
20 March, 2006 posted in Tell Me a Story | Comments (3)
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Erin Go Braless
Yesterday was St. Patrick s Day.
So I walk into morning report, as I do every morning. There s six or eight people around a conference table. Everyone is decked out in their finest green shirts and sweaters. The one guy in the room has a green tie. I am wearing a blue polo shirt and khaki pants.
Everyone was incredulous. Where s your green? You re Irish!
In case you didn t know, my last name is McCormick. Two Micks in there, you know, just in case you didn t know I was Irish at the first syllable I hit it you with it again at the last. Mick-Cor-Mick. Irish-Guy-Irish.
Oh. I didn t realize it was St. Patrick s Day. I sat down to more gasps and guffaws. Murmurs and consternation.
Listen, I said with a pause long enough to get everyone s attention. There are two types of people in this world: The Irish and those that want to be Irish. Those that want to be Irish wear green on St. Patrick s Day.
I was promptly hit with about a ream of crumpled-up papers from my compatriots.
In the evening I mixed myself an old fashioned Black-and-Tan like you might get in a Dublin pub. I mixed one for my wife too. And Unky Rich. His last name is Kelly. He wasn t wearing green either.
Happy belated St. Patrick s Day .
Buy yourself a Guiness. On me.
18 March, 2006 posted in Tell Me a Story | Comments (2)
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White House Plans
I was telling the Wife-beast about the White House aide that got caught in a caper . It s more than just shoplifting, I said. It takes a certain level of sophistication to make this happen. It s a mini-Ocean s 11. There s a lot of planning going into what he did.
She agreed and followed with, It s a shame he had to resign. It seems like the Bush administration had to let go of the one person in the administration that had the ability to think things through.
14 March, 2006 posted in In the News | Comments (1)
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The Day in Review - March 13, 2006
The National Beverage
It says here on my Wawa disposable coffee cup that, in 1773, the Continental Congress declared coffee the official national beverage. I thought, Even back before this country was a country our elected officials were wasting time debating and voting on useless crap.
But then I thought about it, back during the Revolution we were thumbing our nose at England and King George. Around the time of the naming of the national beverage, old Georgie was imposing a tea tax. Maybe this was the Congress s way of giving England the old F U.
Still, I think it s a waste of time.
It s a Caper
Did you catch the White House Aide, Claude Allen, who got caught up in a retail theft scheme ? According to the news , here s what went down:
After receiving the refund he left the store without paying for the additional merchandise in the shopping cart. He was apprehended by the store employee.On January 2, 2006, a Target store Loss Prevention Manger observed (Claude Allen) enter the store ⦠He was observed in the store with an empty Target bag in a shopping cart. The man was then seen selecting merchandise throughout the store and placing items in the Target bag. He put additional items in his cart. The man then went to guest services where he produced a receipt and received a refund for the items he had just selected from the store shelves.
The police think he s done this about 25 times. It just adds credibility to Dane Cook s assertion that men want to be involved in a caper more than they want sex.
Rock God
Have you seen Iggy Pop lately? I mean, the dude is almost 60-years-old and he s got the body of a swimmer (some people have said that Jesus had a swimmer s body , but that s another discussion). I d really like to know what he eats, how he works out, and anything else he does to stay fit and trim.
You don t have to trust me. Go to his website and check out his physique on the front page. You know what? Front pages change, let me grab a screen shot or some such for you. I ll be right back. Talk amongst yourselves
Okay, here you go:
Iggy Pop s 60-year-old Body.
WYSIWYG
I ve been using Xinha Here! to write some of these posts. Xinha Here! is a Firefox extension that enables an HTML editor to open any time you right-click into a textbox or form area. It s nifty. The code has to be cleaned up a little sometimes, but it s a worthy little application. I give it 3 stars out of 4.
I didn t use Xinha Here! for this section. Hypocrite.
13 March, 2006 posted in Miscellany | Comments (0)
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Enlightened Administration
Okay, a couple of minutes ago I implied that I wasn t going to tell any stories (or something like that). Maybe you were disappointed. Maybe you thought, Oh. Thank God. Maybe.
But I do have a story. A story of enlightenment.
I stepped into the conference room. It s morning report. A time when we go over problems, issues, and generally direct the day s operations.
The administrator starts off with a little speech. We ve all been uptight over the last few weeks. We ve all noticed it. Half of us are crawling up the other half s back; we re talking behind each other s backs; we re snippy with each other. I don t think I m making any news saying this.
And he wasn t making any news. The Department of Health recently did their annual survey and it was a nit-picky and frustrating experience. Many of us still harbored the feelings we had during that week.
I hope you ll all bear with me, he continued. I ve got a stress reduction video that I want us all to watch. Again, I know it s different, but we need it.
He turned on the television in the corner and pressed play on the VCR. An English gentleman is interviewing a woman. I immediately knew it was a Monty Python skit and sat back with a smile:
Announcer:
The stuff of history is indeed woven in the woof. Pearl Harbour. There are pages in history s book which are written on the grand scale. Events so momentous that they dwarf man and time alike. And such is the Battle of Pearl Harbour, re-enacted for us now by the women of Barley Townswomen s Guild.
Cut to a muddy corner of a field. Miss Rita Fairbanks stands talking straight to camera. Behind her lurk five more pepperpots.
Announcer:
Miss Rita Fairbanks - you organized this reconstruction of the Battle of Pearl Harbour - why?
Rita:
Well we ve always been extremely interested in modern drama we were of course the first Townswomen s Guild to perform Camp On Blood Island , and last year we did our extremely popular re-enactment of Nazi War Atrocities . So this year we thought we would like to do something in a lighter vein
Announcer:
So you chose the Battle of Pearl Harbour?
Rita:
Yes, that s right, we did.
Announcer:
Well I can see you re all ready to go. So I ll just wish you good luck in your latest venture.
Rita:
Thank you very much, young man.
She retreats, and joins the other ladies who meanwhile separate into two opposing sides facing each other.
Announcer:
(reverential voice over) Ladies and gentlemen, the World of History is proud to present the premiere of the Batley Townswomen s Guild s re-enactment of The Battle of Pearl Harbour .
A whistle blows and the two sides set about each other with handbags etc., speeded up 50% just to give it a bit of edge. Mud and elbows and fists and feet flying. A pile of cross-dressed men in floral dresses mixing it up on some English field.
Thus ended the stress reduction video.
There was a special 3 o clock showing of The Upperclass Twit of the Year. I attended.
11 March, 2006 posted in Tell Me a Story | Comments (0)
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The $2 Bill
I know I haven t been posting much. Maybe I should. I m in a self-censorship phase and nothing I write or start to write seems worth posting, so I close up the laptop and turn on American Idol. Such is life.
That said, there s no use in you being punished for my lack of creativity. Why not go over and read the little story that the Ruminator posted? Problem is that by the time I ve referred to it, it s a fourth-hand story but, by God, I hope it s a true story. It s right up my alley:
Go ahead. Read it. I ll stick around here.
Why d you come back? Did you really think I was going to write a little more while you were gone?
11 March, 2006 posted in Tell Me a Story | Comments (1)
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My Dog
A Picture of My Dog. Just Because.
06 March, 2006 posted in Family Business | Comments (3)
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Impersonations at The Academy
Did you see The Academy Awards?
Me neither.
Last year Jamie Foxx won the Best Actor Oscar for impersonating Ray Charles. This year Philip Seymore Hoffman won for impersonating Truman Capote.
Do you think The Academy suddenly has a thing for impersonators? Or, and it s probably this, that The Academy is embarrassed that it has never recognized the brilliance of Rich Little and Frank Gorshin. Therefore, they re making up for in the past two years?
Which brings me back to Philip Seymore Hoffman. I didn t see Capote , but I don t know that someone should win an Oscar for playing a gay, midget I take that back, it s the perfect reason. That said, I don t think Hoffman won because of this year s role; I think he won because he was ignored last year.
Last year he should ve been nominated when he played Sandy Lyle in Along Came Polly. Sandy Lyle was the child actor who couldn t get acting gigs anymore. He wound up getting the lead role in a community theater adaptation of Jesus Christ Superstar, but he still acted as if he was the hot-shit child star. He made you believe that he believed that he was still that star, but somehow you knew that he knew that he wasn t anymore. And he was funny. Ah, there s the rub
He didn t get nominated because Along Came Polly is a comedy. Comedies are ignored by The Academy. Not important enough. No real depth. No real risk.
06 March, 2006 posted in In the News | Comments (2)
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Happy Days
The Boy (aka No. 1 Son) was given an electric guitar and amplifier for Christmas. He dutifully attempts to coax sounds out of it on a daily basis. I ve shown him (and he is learning) the opening riff for The Beatle s Daytripper. He can do it now almost without referring to the tab or asking me, Is that right?
I figured it was better to give him a riff like that to start with than the obligatory Smoke on the Water riff. Which I finally showed him this morning. He prefers Daytripper âthat s my boy!
This month I m taking him to see guitar legend and blues great, B.B. King. B.B. is touring to support his 80 th birthday. We were able to get third row seats (thank you, Donato).
This summer I m going to take The Boy to see Les Paul. He plays every Monday night in a little club in Manhattan. Les Paul, if you don t know, is the electric guitar pioneer whose name has given birth to a whole series of top-shelf guitars.
How cool will it be if The Boy ever has a band of his own to say to his bandmates, Yeh, I saw B.B. King and Les Paul. In the same year. My dad took me. I was nine.
Nine. He turned nine yesterday. I took him to the local music store to buy what-ever-the-hell he wanted within reason, of course. I brought my patience, my debit card, and a gift certificate given to him by his Uncle Ronnie, Aunt Jennie, and Little Ronnie. We toured the store for the better part of an hour. We pointed at basses and electronic drums, mandolins and violins, big amps and small guitars.
I want to get a pedal, Dad, he said.
Which one?
Death Metal!
Death Metal is a guitar effects pedal that produces ear bleeding distortion. To quote their literature, Simply put, we have turned the gain up to eleven and ripped the knob off.
That s a cool effect pedal, the tattooed and pierced salesman told The Boy. I don t want to talk you out of it, but it s your birthday and this is your first pedal. I want to show you something.
He brought The Boy over to a rack of effects pedals, plugged a guitar on, and stomped on Death Metal . The Boy loved the sound that came out. You can t adjust the gain on this thing, the sales guy said. That s it. You get crunch and only crunch. But we can get that same high distortion you re looking for from this box. He pointed at Grunge ( Whether itâs chunky rhythm, heavy grind, or amazing sustaining leads you re after, the Grunge gets you these and everything in between ) and stepped on the switch.
BWAAANGG! Similar sound. But now I have control over the gain. I can soften the effect. He twisted a knob and the sound mellowed. Sometimes you might not want to pin the cat to the wall. Sometimes you want something a bit tamer.
I ll take that one, said The Boy. The salesman was happy. The pedal was $10 cheaper. Dad was happy too. (I played with it later in the day, the sustain is amazing. Melt in your mouth sustain.)
Gilmour - On an Island
So, I tell you that story to tell you that David Gilmour (guitars and vocals for Pink Floyd) has a birthday today (the day after my son s). He s 60 and his latest solo album, On an Island , goes on sale today. Gilmour is one of my favorite guitar players. Not only does he have virtuoso rock chops, he s got the kind of feel where he could play a one-note solo and leave you saying, Holy crap! That s amazing!
Based on his previous work, I can only assume that the album is going to be killer. I m wondering what kind of music a sixty-year-old rock star is going to put out. I bet I ll be impressed.
David Gilmour s music, including lots of Pink Floyd, are going to be played 24/7 all week long on Sirius satellite radio s The Vault âChannel 16. If you don t have Sirius radio, you don t know what you re missing.
nuff said.
06 March, 2006 posted in Family Business | Comments (1)
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Simple Pleasures
Simple pleasures are:
- A lesbian bar in Farmingdale, New York;
- Bobby McFerrin s most popular album ( Don t Worry, Be Happy );
- Hand-crafted wooden dildos ;
- A website dedicated to the wonderful world of stamping and embroidery;
- A store in Marietta, Ohio;
-
And
a list of feel good things
brought to you by the good people at Berkley University.
But two seldom recognized simple pleasures are:
- Laying the perfect bead of caulk;
- Laying the perfect bezier curve.
There are no simple pleasures in reading this post (though it s kind of pleasurable to link to wooden adult toys and a lesbian bar in the same post).
Hell, the only reason I wrote this thing was to mention that I caulked some trim this weekend and it s a superbly sublime experience to lay a line of caulk that needs no real attention from a wet finger. This reminded me of an experience I had Friday afternoon where I set down a few bezier curves in Adobe Illustrator at work that needed no adjusting. That felt good too.
Thanks for your patience.
06 March, 2006 posted in Jim Shorts | Comments (2)
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404 Fun
This is my favorite 404 Error page:
I wouldn t worry about going to the main website. It looks like it s just an internet community-type site.
Stick around to the end. It s fun.
Or maybe I m just being silly.
04 March, 2006 posted in Internet Stuff | Comments (4)
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The Problem With Comments
A couple of days ago I posted something In Lieu of Real Content . The entirety of the entry read:
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
The problem with comments is that most visitors don t go back and read them and they do that at their own peril because the risk missing gems like this from Kevin:
I did raise your hand; you may not have noticed as such things are often mistaken as either their own volition or some regular involuntary motion by unbelievers. But I did raise it.
I am now blaming Kevin for volunteering me to paint the walls in our Parlor and Library. Thanks, Kevin. Ya bastard.
01 March, 2006 posted in Internet Stuff | Comments (1)
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5 Mile
I drive five miles to get to my work office. Not very far.
In the past several months I ve passed four sets of workers picketing. Strikers. Twice for Comcast I don t know why they re striking other than their signs always say something about Comca$t with the dollar sign. I always read their signs as, We re on $trike also with the dollar sign. Maybe I m missing something, but I m management.
A diner I pass on the way to work is starting a major renovation. The day after they broke ground, the workers went on strike. I was confused that someone took a job and then immediately went on strike. The timing seemed weird.
Finally today I passed another gaggle of strikers in front of a strip mall going up. They looked ready to work they wore boots and Carhardt coats; but they carried signs. I didn t read the signs; I was more intrigued by them scurrying like ants to line up next to a roach coach (you know, one of those food trucks that show up at construction sites all over the place).
Five miles. Four strikes. I don t get it.
But, like I said, I m management.
01 March, 2006 posted in Miscellany | Comments (0)
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For What It s Worth
JimFormation has elected not to chase down any of the revenue generating models that are popular on blogs these days. It s not that I haven t thought of it. It s not that I couldn t use the extra do-ray-mi that might come in each month. It s not that it wouldn t be a fun experiment. It s just that I haven t done it.
All that said, one dude thinks JimFormation is worth over $10,000 US. (You can follow that link and find out what your blog might be worth too.)
Imagine what would happen if I really started posting? Or if this site had any cohesion? Or if I networked among the greater blog community giving me more and more incoming links (the web s currency)?
The guy who wrote the script that says what your website is worth, do you want to know what he says his website is worth? Over $10,000,000. Seriously.
I m in the right business but with the wrong website
DrudgeReport.com, however, is worthless. $0.00.
01 March, 2006 posted in Internet Stuff | Comments (4)
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